seriously don't know what's my wrong with my body
i've had 3 fevers in 2 months
i'm quite thirsty nowadays and my wounds take quite long to heal
kind of afraid of contracting some serious sickness or whatever
that would be really torturing

FIFTH HARMONY

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PqPEzJvIz1U    --> who are you
Fifth Harmony's who are you and leave my heart out of this really kinda suit my situation now


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VtpbfQib7Co    --> leave my heart out of this

i've been thinking a lot about us
this 'thing' has dragged on for far too long
maybe tomorrow i will be strong enough to make a decision
whether to carry on or let go

i'm not as strong as i seem. i try to believe i am, but no, i'm not
i'm a huge fucking wreck
i'm not good in dealing with people who leave, or change, i'm not good with that
i don't want to need you this way, i hate it
i feel so vulnerable
i wish things were the same between us
is it ever going to be?
i don't want to think about all these, i just want to forget

4th Nov 2013
i really don't know how to start the conversation with you. i want you to know how i feel, but yet at the same time i don't want the reaction i got from you like the other time, i'm scared of your reaction
i feel so raw and exposed to even talk about how i feel
it's been really driving me so crazy i keep thinking about it
should i talk to you? should i not? i don't know what to do anymore
to be honest, you're pretty much everything to me
my pillar my wall
the person who really keeps me strong and sane
i really hate how i'm always this weak when it comes to you
i feel so terribly lonely, but you seem just fine with or without me
i can't even bring myself to actually talk about all these with the girls
i miss us very much
10th Nov 2013
i'm done trying to save this 'thing' we have. tired of trying and getting all upset
i feel so dumb for even trying lol
nothing is the same, it probably won't be the same again
how long has it been that i've never seen you? i've not seen you for a month
surprised? maybe not, you might not even care anymore haha
i've tried to talk to you longer, maybe someone else better is talking to you
i really need someone to just reassure me this once that everything is going to turn out okay
i just need a hug
12th Nov 2013
perhaps i should learn to love myself first

i've got a job! :) i'll be working at Jem, in Le Blanc!
the shop sells bed linens etc etc and i'm a teeny bit excited to be working there!! however i'm pretty nervous too :x tmr will be my first day and i only have like tmr and Sunday to actually rmb how to serve customers etc
im going to have to rmb alootttt and my memory sucks
sigh sigh flipping out

MY DEAREST FASEHA

i know this is early but i would probably be too lazy to do it on the 4th hehe (jk ok)
so anyway, the 4th of November is a very special date, it's the date when my best friend and fruit (watermelon) was born :)
she's the most huggable person, in my opinion and i love to go up to her for a hug whenever i see her
she's bits and pieces of everything placed together to form a very individual and unique her
at times she is just like my mother, nagging at me to get stuffs done, at times she's like my sister, sharing the excitement over One Direction but she can also be just like my dad, very playful and teasing me over small stuffs, but most of the times it is me who does that hahahaha
i know you're going to read this because you are a stalker, Faseha :)
ever since meeting you, you've become a significantly huge part of my life, and you mean a lot to me
i didn't expect our friendship to be the same as we were in different classes, however, we set aside time for each other, and eventually our friendship became so strong that i wonder sometimes what i would do if we weren't this close
will i have someone to rely on? will i have someone that cares so much for me? will i have a cushion?
HAHA just kidding :p
i'm sure you get what i'm trying to say hehe
you are one of the most original person i've met, Amalia's first haha
you never cease to amaze me with what you can do, like walking down the stairs and suddenly falling LOL
jk but how you always talk sense into me, and make me see things in a brand new way
thank you for that :) i know we are going to remain close, same goes with Amalia, no matter where we end up, thank you for everything you've done, i love you very much! :)
HAPPY BIRTHDAY FASEHA <3 <3 <3

James Arthur - Impossible - Official Single

tell me what to do
how to forget you when almost everything reminds me of you?
it's time for me to really focus on my chinese and not on anything else but it's just so tough
after chinese all of this will end
im going to promise myself that you will be the last guy who would ever hurt me
no more heartbreaks

i feel so empty. knowing that you probably won't even come back
i don't know if i'm able to pull through this. i have no more tears for me to cry
i'm so damn tired, even typing this out takes so much energy from me
can't bring myself to do simple things
the saddest thing is you probably don't care
haha me too, i don't really care about me either it's alright
it's about time i give up everything
losing you has taken it's toll on me

i cannot believe i bared my soul for you to see and all you said was 'its okay'
yes i believe it's okay for you not for me
i feel so fucking stupid to have told you how i felt
have i not learned my lesson? what the fuck is wrong with me?
i don't know really i am so tired of this
whatever i try and do to save this is pointless anyway
you don't care
if it's so easy for you to not care why can't i do the same?
why can't i block you out like how you did to me?
perhaps if i learn to do so or i am heartless enough to do so it won't be this painful to me
there's no reason for me to keep trying anyway right?

a broken home filled with drama and tears
my last pieces of hope eaten by fears
tired of the misery, tired of the suffering

scarlet tears drip from each vein
a vehement covet to end this pain
this silver blade stays by my side
because all hope inside has died
as each day ends and darkness draws
the devil toys with all my flaws
i'm helpless, alone, a worthless mess
a broken child, as he addressed
i died inside so long before
to live each day is like an endless chore
pills could not kill what is already dead
a twisted soul, an empty head
i beckon the devil, with the key of self harm
and i open the door for him, with the blood on my arm

i lie in bed awake at night
replaying what we used to be
i can't believe it is over now
how easy you moved on without me 
i'd give anything to have you back
just thinking of you makes me so upset

i'm fine, i'm alright, i'm great, in a way
i relish every night and live for the day
i smile, i laugh, i write and i sing
wonder what the new days will bring
i get home, take off the mask
living like that everyday is almost an impossible task

it's really difficult to keep the tears in and pretend to be fine when i am really not
how do you break free of heartaches?
i'm feeling so alone, knowing that there's no one else to look to
i'm starting to feel that i'm not worth it, but i probably don't have to feel that way cos i already am hah
i've been crying myself to sleep for the longest time i can ever remember
i don't know how long i can go on doing this, feeling this

i have done it again
i've been here many times before
hurt myself again today
and the worst part is there's no one else to blame
i have lost myself again
lost myself and i am nowhere to be found

there goes one more mistake
do i bore you with my problems?
is that why you turned away?
do you know how hard i've tried? to become what you wanted me to be?

little girl terrified
she would leave her room if only bruises would heal
a home is no place to hide
her heart is breaking from the pain that she feels
every day is the same
she fights to find her way
she hurts, she breaks, she hides, she tries to pray
she wonders why no one hears her when she cries
she's pulling down her long sleeves
to cover up all the memories the scars leave
maybe making me bleed
would be the answer that could wash the slate clean

im so tired of everything.
i just want to run back to you, but i know you're no longer there
i miss you so so much

staring at my food but i cannot eat it
lying in my bed but i am not sleeping
crying in my room but i keep it top secret
cos people tell me they care but they do not mean it
im cut open even though im not bleeding
my heart is broken so im gonna make it stop beating
i pop pills in and let it take over me
theres no use in pumping my stomach cos ill just do it again
im a lost cause so screw it
everyone with grudges towards me is going to love it
smiles on their faces when my death goes public
my life is nothing but a disaster
and time goes by faster
but in a while all these wont matter

if it really does happen, i don't know what i'd do really, i feel all empty inside
i've been struggling to keep my emotions in check, ignoring the pain that seems to fill out all over
i'm afraid of what would happen
they say that once something changes, it would probably not be the same again, so what would happen now?

it's really difficult to be positive sometimes, even though i really try
i have times when i really just wanna give up everything, and just stop trying, because what's the point?
there are many times when i lay awake, overthinking and it will always fill me with insecurities

i just really can't talk about the issues i have. it's just normal stupid things.
i have to admit i have really beautiful friends, and yes i do get jealous of that.
i'm so afraid that you're going to think that way too. it's like what it happened with c
i dk i'm just so scared of losing you
any other girl could just stand beside you and you both would look so good tgt
i seem to need the constant reassurance from you that you won't go away, and it's really messing me up

my exams have officially ended THANK GOD
but what's keeping me on edge is my results.. i'm so worried about where my path is going to be set, i'm really worried. but i've already taken the exams sooo i guess technically there's nothing much to do except pray :)
i was pretty sick for the past few days, and i got a fever as high as 39.7 wow
doctor said it might be an influenza, i was given tablets as huge as my earring and i had to take it every 4-6 hours sigh
so anyways, i'm feeling better, and today i went down to the library to return my books :)
but as it was a public holiday, i was unable to borrow any books, therefore i decided to walk around before going back home.
i went back home and afterwards i went down to got a new book!! it's called Divergent by Veronica Roth
as far i as know, this is quite similar to The Hunger Games by Suzanne Collins, yet it is a little similar to Delirium by Lauren Oliver
both are my favourite books :') sooo i hope that Divergent will be awesome as well!

busy week this week so sorry for not posting
i really don't know what's wrong with me though, i can't sleep and have been sleeping for a few hours only even when its exams
so anyway finally done with english listening comprehension, english paper 1 and 2 and social studies
it was alright i guess but i do hope i am able to score for ss
2 weeks later and its the killer papers
physics and chemistry, history and math paper 1, math paper 2 and poa
very worried cos i am super careless and makes mistakes that cause me to lose a lot of marks, especially for math T.T

so sorry for the not posting again :( been busy with studying sigh
major examinations start tomorrow, and you can really feel the pressure
tmr would be the n levels mother tongue, and i don't need to go, only for the english listening compre later at 2, so to all the students taking mt tmr all the best! :)
it really scares me, pretty much all the time, with all the 'what if' questions in my mind
tbh, i find the education really stressful
so i guess i wont be able to post much but i'll try

as hard as i try to be positive, there are still rare times i guess, that i feel insecure.
i know i'm overthinking too much and i try to block such thoughts from my head because it won't do us any good, like what i've learned from the past incident
we agreed to talk to each other about what and how we were feeling right?
since i wasn't able to talk to you about, cos i feel stupid for feeling this way, maybe i should post it here
there's this girl in your class that keeps mentioning you
idk i feel uncomfortable with it gahh feel so stupid to be bothered over this
but im comforted by the thought that when there are so many other girls that are prettier, smarter, kinder, nicer, cuter, anything more than me, you chose me :) so i'm really thankful for you and i don't know what i would do if i didn't meet you :( so thank you for all the memories you gave me! i love you! :)

so damn tired i feel like im going to collapse soon
today sch ended at 12-45, from 12-45 to 1-30 i had chinese remedial then from 1-30 to 3-30 i had math remedial
afterwards went to Baskin Robbins with Amalia and Faseha
went to the library afterwards to get my favourite sequel to a book :)
actually planning to go jp tomorrow to get third piercing and shopping for clothes!
can relax for a day then back to studying again!

i've never met someone like you who can actually just make me pissed off with what you do. simple things like breathing.
yeah. i have never, i'm positive, HATED anyone before. you're the first one congratulations :)
i found out that you cared about people's opinions about you a lot. even mine.
well you certainly wouldn't want to hear mine at all.
because i think, that you are very manipulative, very cunning, very bitchy and very annoying.
i wish you could see you through my eyes because only then you're able to realise how fucking stupid you look like to me
you love my leftovers so much huh? alright, i'll let you know when i do not want things anymore, you can have them
trash hoe

finally homed. have done some chinese idioms. wooooo
soo tired. i really feel like giving up and not do exp chinese anymore. so demoralizing..
its like even though i try so hard i only have a little improvement..
anyway today was the first day we got back our prelims result. omg
first was poa. it was alright but i actually mixed up the thingy (what do you call it)
then was mt
it was ok luh just that we had normal lessons and some people need not come for lessons as they already gotten an A1 or A2 :(
math was next and i can say that i had SO MANY CARELESS MISTAKES
i just wanna throw myself off the building omg how am i able to make so many careless mistakes???
english results aren't out yet and mrs tan said that theres a few who did not pass the first paper :(
hope it isnt me
and then we got humanities last
i was so shocked to find out that i scored higher for social studies than history cos i was positive that part a of my seq question in social studies which is 12 marks was gone cos i did like only 2 paragraphs
but i overall passed AHHHHH
so happy cos i finally managed to pass hehehe but just pass only so still need to work on that
x

goodnight x

i dare say i've been through a lot this year.
2013 is the very first year that made me open my eyes, and see how the world really works.
2013 is where i guess, could and would be one of the difficult years i've been through.
many deaths, many days where i just couldn't cope and many friends whom i've lost.
i've learnt that people are manipulative, calculating, cunning, despicable.
they have seeds of hatred so deeply strewn in them that it causes them to do things that only hurt them.
perhaps one day they'll realise it and they'll stop what they've been doing to people. perhaps one day when they have met their retribution. maybe when karma hits them.
i just hope that when it happens, i'll be there.

wow after so long. i'm so sorry for abandoning my readers i guess? what little readers i have left.
i apologise for not updating as my laptop broke down. i had my prelims and they just ended.
i got back my o levels result and it wasn't good. at all. im going to retake it and the exam is in another one and a half weeks. around there. after that my n levels subject examination will take place.
so i guess i won't be able to update that much but i will try! :)
things are going alright with person a :) i'm glad that we're okay already, i miss him so much!!
i hope that things continue the way they are :)
still trying to forgive and forget when it comes to people, as well as staying positive!
afterall i might die anytime!

it's been 6 days ever since things went downhill. today you texted me. you told me you weren't really ready to be in a r/s. i know. i am not either. everything's so stressful. 
so i take it that what you said about not wanting me to wait was false the other day? or did you thought that would fix the problem?
right now i can bet that you won't want me anymore. right?
it's so stupid of me to push you away. why the hell do i do it?
honestly nowadays i really don't feel anything at all. that is until i heard songs that you asked me to hear before and when i reach home then i break down.
it's the same routine for me everyday, go to school, try to smile as much as i can, try to laugh if possible, go home, throw stuffs down onto the floor, head into the bathroom.
i'd stay there in the bathroom for quite some time before going into my room.
at least you had friends to help you through this right? i don't tell mine much. that's why i guess i'm always alone?
it's a good choice you made, not being with me. i'm often told that i'm a handful, a bitch and others.
without me your life is much more better you know. you won't be burdened by my problems and how i always break down at even the simplest things.

so this is the end of us? this is how you want it to end? did you even want an 'us' in the first place?
i keep rereading our previous texts. the arguments, the sweet ones. i know i'll never receive them ever again.
do you realise something? i hurt myself by hurting you. you're not the only one who's hurt you know?
i don't know why you say i'm unfaithful to you. we weren't together yet so we could still see other people.
well at least now i know how you felt like when i hurt you last year before the final exams.
are you happy that i'm hurt? are you? is it easy for you? tell me please. is this easy for you? it isn't for me.
to lose so many people at one go, it's really frustrating and yet there's nothing you can do about it. do you know how helpless i feel like? i don't even know who to chase after to keep them in my life now.
i can't deal with this anymore. maybe one day it'll end. maybe one day i'll end it for me.

i give up on love. who knew love would be so cruel?
definitely not me. i do not know when i'll stop yearning for someone i can never have.
i look forward to the day when i can say your name without tears in my eyes, without hoping you're mine.
i hope it won't be too long. i don't know how am i going to cope.
tell me, is it easy for you? to just pretend this didn't exist?
i learn to hide my feelings. i learn to shut it out. i don't think i'm going to open up to anymore people.
seems like they always leave, no matter what they say.
i'm so tired of getting hurt again and again. i thought things would turn out different with someone new.
it just happens all the time.

i don't know if we'll ever be the same again. probably not.
so i guess i've lost 3 friends, in total.
all of them mean so much to me.
Zongxian:
i don't know how to put it but i know this is the second time i've hurt you deeply. i don't mean to you know. now i know how you feel like back then, like you were the 'third party'. i get it. whatever i say won't make you change your mind. you're dead set on asking me to move on anyway. think it's that easy? the way you asked me to move on was like, so easy. easy for you isn't it? you think it's easy for me? if you think that i've never been hurt my life before, think again. this year is a super shitty year, for me it is. at the start already the passing of my dad. the person i was certain that loves me as much as i love him. i did everything with him you know. it isn't that easy to just slowly let go of it. i can't.
then i have a super huge misunderstanding that caused me a lot of friends. you think its easy to go to a school with people who hates you around you? then we have what we have now. you told me you wouldn't leave me. right? what i did the other night was in anger. i was angry that you put most of the blame on me. you were upset because i was close with him again. but do you know how close we were last time? just imagine that you have this super close girl best friend. both of you fell for each other after a year of friendship. you guys were together for another year. then you both broke up. she was one of your very close and trusted and best friend you could ever find. you would still want her back as a friend won't you?
now that i gotten back my friend, shouldn't you feel happy for me? and my tweets were indeed for him. i was being honest. or do you want me to lie about my feelings? no right? 
if you still insist on me moving on then i guess i've got nothing to say anymore.
i'm done trying. i'm done with everything. i'm done.
Jerome:
i definitely know things won't be the same between us anymore. i'm just curious on how you can change your feelings so quick?
please tell me? i feel like a third party now. i feel so cheated on at the same time. how could you?
how could you play the 2 of us this way? we're humans, not dolls for you to play like that you know.
now i don't really know anything that comes out of your mouth at all, whether its true or fake.
i honestly don't know. everytime i begin to slowly trust you again, you give me another reason to stop believing you.
maybe now i won't believe you, maybe. you don't have to have me, you have her. you have your other girls too.
Berlindia:
i hope we won't have much tension between us now. i'm sorry for the things i said yesterday, i know it was hurtful, i know it was mean and i know you were pissed. i'm truly sorry. i know now we may not be the same but i do still hope we have a friendship you know? afterall we've known each other for 4 years now.
i do miss you as a friend and how close we were last time, but i just want you to know that i'm sorry for whatever i've done to hurt you.


i'm really sorry to all three of you, for whatever i had ever done in my whole life to upset you, hurt you, piss you off.
i would never hurt another person intentionally, and i'm truly sorry for being how i was when i was still with you.
i think its better to be hurt physically rather then emotionally to me.
lastly, i hope that you 3 would lead a happy life.

it's crazy how i still remember a lot of things about you. your features, the way you dress, the way you make me feel.
i still remember you have a double eyelid on your left eye, and what seems like a triple eyelid on your right eye. i still remember the brown of your eyes, and how everything seemed forgotten when i looked into them. i still remember why i don't like to look you in the eye. i still remember the way your laugh sounded, the way your smile would bring out the light in your eyes. and at the same time, your dimple would appear at both sides of your cheek, your right cheek's dimple is much more deeper than the other cheek's dimple. i still remember your eyelashes length is until the start of your nose's bridge.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JHb_ps-JtaM
just a fool.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zaTYbUugDYU
don't forget.

so this morning i found out that you liked her. subsequently there was tension between us and most people felt it.
i don't know how to put it, but i guess i was really bothered by it. i don't know. maybe that's the reason why you were so close to her after we went our separate ways? or maybe you liked her when you was with me. i don't know.
i just feel cheated you know, cos both of you were always talking and playing when we were together..
all my life, i've been giving my fullest trust to everyone i meet. i guess that just shows how naive i was.
but now, right now, you've given me every reason why i shouldn't trust someone soo easily.
i won't anymore anyway, i hope you're happy knowing that.
it's so difficult to trust people anymore. people i used to be closed with left, you left.
i thought previously went i decided to go on my own way, i thought you would come after me but no.
that kind off showed me where i stood with you.
what i couldn't believe was that you could text me all those long texts telling me you loved me when you loved her.
how is that fair for me? i believed you.
i truly did.
i guess i shouldn't.
right?

 

 

 

 

 

and i'm going to leave thinking if you're worth it. i hope you're happy now.

today i guess i'm going to rant about FAKE BITCHES.
yep you read it right. this is for no one, and it's just based on my observation and past experiences and i just wanted to talk about it.
nowadays, in this society, everyone is acting on how they are supposed to act. something like peer pressure i guess. like if she does something like that, i have to do it too. NO BITCH NO. do what you want, as long as it's not bad. why must you follow everyone you can? don't you have a mind of your own?

the thing is, now, you just can't figure out who your real friends are. fake bitches act like they're real, when in actual fact, they just want to know about you to break you. they want to gain everything and anything out of you, and when the time comes, they just kick you aside and spread all they know about you.

 

yesterday, i watched The Host with Yucheng at vivo!
it's so awesome!! i had gotten the book earlier before i watched the movie and i read only a few chapters!
In case you didn't know, The Host is about this unseen enemy that takes over human minds while leaving their body intact. it's just like its your own body, but you're not the one controlling it.
So anyway, there's this invading 'soul' who takes over Melanie Stryder's body, only to find that Melanie, is still in the body, so it's like 2 persons in 1 body.
Melanie fills Wanderer with thoughts of Jared and soon Wanderer begins to yearn for Jared, just like Melanie.
Wanderer and Melanie then set off to search for the man they both love.
However, in the movie, Melanie is in love with Jared and Wanderer fell in love with another guy.
it's a really unforgettable movie and book, so i hope you guys will go and watch the movie and read the book! :)

i feel so mean to be mad at you for being so colse to some girls. when you're not even mine.
then i think, maybe you're just as mad as me when i'm with my best guy friends. then i immediately feel bad.
i can't help feeling this way.. i just think that all the other girls are better than me.

i'm tired of wearing this smile. i'm so tired.
all the time i feel like giving up. i don't think i can hold on much longer.
it just feels so weird without my daddy here. i would do anything to have you here, you know that daddy?
people say that perhaps i'm a strong person, because i don't cry over the death of my dad.
i do. i do it in private places. i have to stay strong for everyone. but i really really miss you.
i hate this feeling so much.. it feels so hollow you know?
it's so sad that you'll never be able to see me grow up into the person you wanted me to.
i'm so tired.

my loves.

i've to thank all these awesome people: Jiawei, Faseha, Ruimin, Zongxian, Yucheng and Minghao.
honestly, i look forward to school all thanks to you guys :) enough talking! here's the pictures of these awesome people <3

this pretty baby over here is Jiawei!

my darling <3
 

Faseha :) (right)

mwah! :** (Faseha --> right)

Ruimin (right)

And the awesome 3 here! :) (blue shirt -> Minghao, slightly pink shirt and white glasses -> Zong xian, red Nike singlet -> Yucheng)

and here are some more pics..

Yucheng! ^^

Jiawei (2nd one) Yucheng (3rd one)

so i guess that's all for today heh :)
lastly, i love every single one of you! remember that okay! :) <3

sometimes i'm really overwhelmed by everything that's happening now in my life.
i try to be one step ahead of it but somehow, something will just pop up and screw my plans for being ahead.
i really need to buck up in my studies. i can't afford to fail. i can't.
it feels double the stress no with my dad gone, because now i feel like i can't let him down. but there's just something in me that's refusing to cooperate.
that something is bothering me a lot. i can't seem to get rid of it and it's really affecting me in ways.
earlier, someone mentioned my family as broken. when i heard that, i felt so.. upset. it's like a bucket of cold water all down on me.
i feel so alone now that i can't talk to my dad.

it's so difficult to keep up a facade.
everything i do, just seem to have remnants of you papa.
i find myself doing dumb and normal things when you were still here. i would text you, call you, just to remember that you're not here anymore.
so nowadays i bring your phone wherever i go. just to remind me that you're no longer here.
your clothes had already been given away, same with your favourite boots. i feel like such a failure for not keeping your favourite items. i fought with mummy because i didn't want her to give away your stuffs.
no one else is supposed to wear it. no one but you.

do you still know that there are pieces of you that you left behind daddy?
do you know how much it hurts to suddenly realise you're gone?
do you know how i feel?
i hate going home to an empty house. i hate it. i hate that it's dark and scary. i hate it that it's quiet. everytime it's quiet, i'll start thinking of you. i don't really like to think about you daddy. everything feels so surreal. it still does. i feel so hollow inside. so empty and numb. i block out all thoughts of you. yesterday was the 49th day you died. today is the 50th.
i walked into the kitchen earlier on, and opened the cupboard. i saw the small containers of spices we shopped for back in January, few days before you left. i still remember how you cooked the steak for me. i remembered the smell, the taste. i sniffed the spices and i started crying. you said you would teach me. didn't you? who am i going to talk to now daddy? you're the only person i love and trust so much. i would have done anything for you. you know it right? so why did you leave me alone?
how could you?

just done last minute changes to my art :)
so today went out with Yucheng and Minghao!
we met up at clementi interchange, then went to Singapore River! we then walked all the way to Clarke Quay, and then we took a bus to Orchard! ^^
we walked there for awhile, with me deciding what to buy and then we headed to Jurong point!
all three of us bought the same pencil case, Yucheng's one is red with blue, Minghao's one is blue with yellow while mine is black with purple!
so when we sit together in poa it'll be so matching! haha :)
had fun with them today~

life just doesn't work the way you want it to. thanks to this sec 4 camp, it made me realise that not everyone is who they portray themselves to be. Human nature is manipulative, and you guys took it to the next level. i'm not sure if you guys were dumb enough to be manipulated by him, or just decided to go with the crowd. whatever it is, thank you. i realise who my real friends are. and i'm thankful for that because i don't really want to live a life full with fake people. that life isn't worth living. i can't stay with people who do not know how to stand for themselves. because it's very pathetic that you don't have a mind of your own.
real friends help both parties. not one. the fact that you guys went over to him because you pitied him and wanted to help cushion the blow that i dealt was really nice of you. but don't you think that i was hurting too? don't you think i need help too? isn't 2 of you go over and help him was enough? while the rest stays with me? see? that's what i meant when you don't have a mind of your own. you just go with the crowd, not thinking whether you hurt the others feelings or not.
but that's okay. the worst thing is finding out that you guys were the ones who sent the whatsapp texts. that's what hurt the most. you guys just went over to him. didn't even ask my side of the story. just assumed i don't tell you stuffs. have you ever thought that i was afraid of burdening you? that's why i didn't go to you guys? don't be quick to assume things. you can always ask me what's wrong. i would tell you.
it's really appalling how 1 person can ruin 3 people's friendships.

sometimes, i just wish that there was a medicine that allows people to forget what happened. or the details of anything of it.
that way, there would be less conflict.
honestly, i'm improving bit by bit.
i try not to let others get me down. i try not to be affected by what people say. i know that there are a lot of people gossiping about me behind my back, or even happy that these are happening to me.
i just want them to know that the world is round, what goes around, comes back around. you will not escape from Karma.
treat people the way you want them to treat you.

my morning was spent at mandai crematorium and columbarium.
today is the 21st day dad's gone. but i don't mind. i could just sit there for hours. today is the first day i get to see dad's photo on the piece of marble. i promised myself i wouldn't cry when i see it.
so afterward i went to the toilet and just cried for a long time. i miss him.

you want to know something? most of the times i feel like dying.

day by day, happiness is getting harder to achieve.

i'm tired of pretending to be fine. i really am. i just want to lock myself up and cry. but if i did that people would leave me won't they? i don't want to be alone. after all i make people feel good about themselves. but i don't want to do that anymore.

i'm so tired. drained. physically and mentally. i'm just this close to collapsing. maybe it'll be better, i'll get to see my daddy. it's bad enough that you're ignoring me. haven't i suffered enough? i just lost my dad. now i'm close to losing you as well. why can't you just be here for me? and just forget whatever small things that don't really matter?
sometimes i'm scared to sleep. when i lay on my bed, i always think of stuffs. i'm scared to think of my dad. i'm scared to dream about him. i'm scared to see his expression when he died. i'm scared. but i can't tell anyone because everything that i want to say feels so trapped inside me. i don't feel happy, not at all. why?

i can't stop thinking of how my dad died. his expression. his body color. the way he's lying down. how stiff he feels. then the pain hits. i then know that he'll never come back. i'll never get to see his smile again. his funny faces. i'll never get to hear him making up silly songs about me walking into the gate or hear his laughter. i'll never be able to have one of those father-daughter moments anymore. i'll not be able to buy or make him stuffs. never be able to go to his place during the weekends and laugh about people on shows. never be able to watch movies with him, sing with him in the car. never be able to learn the guitar cos he's not here to teach me. he's not here to teach me stuffs anymore. i'm on my own. he's not here for me anymore. at the end of the day, i just feel more vulnerable and hopeless. i just want my daddy back.

happy chinese new year!

i'm supposed to feel pain aren't i? i'm supposed to grief right? i'm supposed to feel overwhelming sadness correct?
but every day i feel numb. the same feeling when i found my dad. numb. i try to break free but i can't. i try to tell people but i just can't. why do i feel this way? i can't even cry when i think of him. all is numb. everything i do is like programmed into me. i do what people want. i smile. i laugh. i eat. i talk. i play. but eventually when the day ends, memories of my dad, mum and me come hurtling towards me. it's like the memories are playing racing. seeing which would come to me first.
i do stuffs that makes no sense. last saturday i reached out for my phone to call my dad. i had forgotten that my father died. i called, with this hope that maybe this is all a nightmare and that perhaps daddy was at home watching his shows. but no one picked up. and then i remembered that daddy died.
i feel so tired. why am i like this?

thanks to all those who came for the wake! we really apprectiate it.
yesterday we cremated my dad.

i'm tired of people telling me to stay strong. i want to, really. but even those little things, like when i see some kids walking down the street with their dad, or seeing a kid laughing with their dad, it sets me off. cos that's what my dad and i used to do. everything seems so surreal, but it is actually real. i just want daddy back. i would even tear my one direction posters or give away all my hunger games stuff, or even sell the laptop and my phone, just to have him back. please give me my daddy back
or maybe if i sleep then i wake up, it'll be just a dream

my daddy.

yesterday my dad passed away. he was so young. he shouldn't have died. i miss him so much it hurts.
today we went to the mortuary to identify my daddy. my mum, half sister and me went in. he looked the same as yesterday when i found him at home, lying on the bed. i touched his hand and it felt so stiff. i knew at that moment that daddy was gone. when we checked his phone records, it showed that he called early in the morning at 6.50, and my grandmother picked up the phone. she didn't hear my dad speak or anything, because he must have been to weak to do so. i was still sleeping at that time. if only i had waken up earlier, so i could have saved him. instead i took my own sweet time getting ready for school, while my daddy is struggling at home, alone. i should have been awake. i could have saved him. when i went to check on him, it was 3.26. now i bet every morning i will look at the time, 6.50 and regretted not waking up early, not checking on my daddy. and every 3.26, i will always remember how late it was to save my father. it hurts not being able to talk to him, laugh with him, joke with him and everything we used to do together. it hurts so damn much. i miss my daddy. i will never be able to celebrate mum, mine and his birthday anymore, never be able to celebrate father's day anymore. basically, will never be able to celebrate with him for any occasion. i would do anything it takes, anything, just to have him back. most of all, i just regretted not telling him i love him one last time. daddy if you can see this, i love you very very much. i miss you so much too. please come back, its still not too late please daddy.

i honestly thought i would have someone with me at last. someone who would care for me when there's no one. i hate having to break down cos of a simple thing, but i do so everytime.
now there's no one.

there is just so much a girl can take. i don't know why you feel so insecure. please tell me why? shouldn't all obstacles or fights make us stronger? it only made us weaker. i've been trying my best to stop fighting but you just get so worked up over little things, and during the fights you'll also bring in my past or past mistakes and use it against me. why do you do that?
"there is no love without forgiveness, and there is no forgiveness without love."
you keep saying that you forgive for certain fights that i caused, but you still manage to use my words against me when we fight again. it makes me wonder if you truly forgave me. if you did you wouldn't have said that right? but you did anyway.
everytime without fail, during our fights you would always say that i'd accuse you of not caring how i feel. but isn't it the truth? instead of talking to me nicely, you would kick up a big fuss. like throwing your temper or take out your anger on me. excuse me i'm not your anger bin. i'm not a toy. you wouldn't speak nicely and you feel upset because i said you didn't care about my feelings? isn't it true?
i feel so much like a guy in this relationship. i can't take it anymore. i can't take you always wanting to fight. i can't take your temper. i can't take it.

apologies :(

sooo i hoped i haven't lost my readers :x but there will definitely be some readers lost because of me not posting for billion years!
i'm so sorry :(
UPDATES:
so now it is 2013! ^^ happy belated new years guys :")
and i'm sec 4 now, which means STUDY STUDY AND STUDY. therefore, i won't have much time to update you guys on my shitty life and depressed love :(
sighhh.
and yes, my parents are already arranging for me to have tuitions!
haha that's all for now and i promise there'll be updates later on :)

you know the feeling after a super long day after trying to keep up with your happy facade but failing terribly cos you're a failure and you finally lock yourself up in your own room just thinking how your world just falls apart the way it is put together so easily? and the tears just come to you.
i'm sensitive and i really hate it. i don't want people to think i'm weak so i cover my sensitive issue with humor. by making fun of myself that is. i'm also easily hurt, especially by words. but i don't show it because it would make me seem weak.
i'm easily jealous and it's so damn frustrating sometimes. i really believe that i'm the easiest jealous person ever.
i hate to be accused of something i didn't do. if you try to blame me for something i didn't do, get ready to be sent to hell.
i don't share what's mine.
i just listed all my weaknesses.
soo i went through mostly everyone's blog and yes i went through yours.
i'm not going to lie i was jealous. about the present crisis thing.
you wanna know why?
1) her present has hearts on it. why the heck is there even hesrts on it lol?
2) it was humongous
3) you got her something else
all these means nothing to you but everything to a girl. before you blame me for being so insecure or jealous again, think again. just go up to a random girl and ask how would she feel if her crush or her bf gave her more than a present. go on. she would definitely give the same answer as me.
all females are insecure. i am no exeption. they are all jealous beings.