i'm supposed to feel pain aren't i? i'm supposed to grief right? i'm supposed to feel overwhelming sadness correct?
but every day i feel numb. the same feeling when i found my dad. numb. i try to break free but i can't. i try to tell people but i just can't. why do i feel this way? i can't even cry when i think of him. all is numb. everything i do is like programmed into me. i do what people want. i smile. i laugh. i eat. i talk. i play. but eventually when the day ends, memories of my dad, mum and me come hurtling towards me. it's like the memories are playing racing. seeing which would come to me first.
i do stuffs that makes no sense. last saturday i reached out for my phone to call my dad. i had forgotten that my father died. i called, with this hope that maybe this is all a nightmare and that perhaps daddy was at home watching his shows. but no one picked up. and then i remembered that daddy died.
i feel so tired. why am i like this?