it's been 6 days ever since things went downhill. today you texted me. you told me you weren't really ready to be in a r/s. i know. i am not either. everything's so stressful. 
so i take it that what you said about not wanting me to wait was false the other day? or did you thought that would fix the problem?
right now i can bet that you won't want me anymore. right?
it's so stupid of me to push you away. why the hell do i do it?
honestly nowadays i really don't feel anything at all. that is until i heard songs that you asked me to hear before and when i reach home then i break down.
it's the same routine for me everyday, go to school, try to smile as much as i can, try to laugh if possible, go home, throw stuffs down onto the floor, head into the bathroom.
i'd stay there in the bathroom for quite some time before going into my room.
at least you had friends to help you through this right? i don't tell mine much. that's why i guess i'm always alone?
it's a good choice you made, not being with me. i'm often told that i'm a handful, a bitch and others.
without me your life is much more better you know. you won't be burdened by my problems and how i always break down at even the simplest things.

so this is the end of us? this is how you want it to end? did you even want an 'us' in the first place?
i keep rereading our previous texts. the arguments, the sweet ones. i know i'll never receive them ever again.
do you realise something? i hurt myself by hurting you. you're not the only one who's hurt you know?
i don't know why you say i'm unfaithful to you. we weren't together yet so we could still see other people.
well at least now i know how you felt like when i hurt you last year before the final exams.
are you happy that i'm hurt? are you? is it easy for you? tell me please. is this easy for you? it isn't for me.
to lose so many people at one go, it's really frustrating and yet there's nothing you can do about it. do you know how helpless i feel like? i don't even know who to chase after to keep them in my life now.
i can't deal with this anymore. maybe one day it'll end. maybe one day i'll end it for me.

i give up on love. who knew love would be so cruel?
definitely not me. i do not know when i'll stop yearning for someone i can never have.
i look forward to the day when i can say your name without tears in my eyes, without hoping you're mine.
i hope it won't be too long. i don't know how am i going to cope.
tell me, is it easy for you? to just pretend this didn't exist?
i learn to hide my feelings. i learn to shut it out. i don't think i'm going to open up to anymore people.
seems like they always leave, no matter what they say.
i'm so tired of getting hurt again and again. i thought things would turn out different with someone new.
it just happens all the time.

i don't know if we'll ever be the same again. probably not.
so i guess i've lost 3 friends, in total.
all of them mean so much to me.
Zongxian:
i don't know how to put it but i know this is the second time i've hurt you deeply. i don't mean to you know. now i know how you feel like back then, like you were the 'third party'. i get it. whatever i say won't make you change your mind. you're dead set on asking me to move on anyway. think it's that easy? the way you asked me to move on was like, so easy. easy for you isn't it? you think it's easy for me? if you think that i've never been hurt my life before, think again. this year is a super shitty year, for me it is. at the start already the passing of my dad. the person i was certain that loves me as much as i love him. i did everything with him you know. it isn't that easy to just slowly let go of it. i can't.
then i have a super huge misunderstanding that caused me a lot of friends. you think its easy to go to a school with people who hates you around you? then we have what we have now. you told me you wouldn't leave me. right? what i did the other night was in anger. i was angry that you put most of the blame on me. you were upset because i was close with him again. but do you know how close we were last time? just imagine that you have this super close girl best friend. both of you fell for each other after a year of friendship. you guys were together for another year. then you both broke up. she was one of your very close and trusted and best friend you could ever find. you would still want her back as a friend won't you?
now that i gotten back my friend, shouldn't you feel happy for me? and my tweets were indeed for him. i was being honest. or do you want me to lie about my feelings? no right? 
if you still insist on me moving on then i guess i've got nothing to say anymore.
i'm done trying. i'm done with everything. i'm done.
Jerome:
i definitely know things won't be the same between us anymore. i'm just curious on how you can change your feelings so quick?
please tell me? i feel like a third party now. i feel so cheated on at the same time. how could you?
how could you play the 2 of us this way? we're humans, not dolls for you to play like that you know.
now i don't really know anything that comes out of your mouth at all, whether its true or fake.
i honestly don't know. everytime i begin to slowly trust you again, you give me another reason to stop believing you.
maybe now i won't believe you, maybe. you don't have to have me, you have her. you have your other girls too.
Berlindia:
i hope we won't have much tension between us now. i'm sorry for the things i said yesterday, i know it was hurtful, i know it was mean and i know you were pissed. i'm truly sorry. i know now we may not be the same but i do still hope we have a friendship you know? afterall we've known each other for 4 years now.
i do miss you as a friend and how close we were last time, but i just want you to know that i'm sorry for whatever i've done to hurt you.


i'm really sorry to all three of you, for whatever i had ever done in my whole life to upset you, hurt you, piss you off.
i would never hurt another person intentionally, and i'm truly sorry for being how i was when i was still with you.
i think its better to be hurt physically rather then emotionally to me.
lastly, i hope that you 3 would lead a happy life.

it's crazy how i still remember a lot of things about you. your features, the way you dress, the way you make me feel.
i still remember you have a double eyelid on your left eye, and what seems like a triple eyelid on your right eye. i still remember the brown of your eyes, and how everything seemed forgotten when i looked into them. i still remember why i don't like to look you in the eye. i still remember the way your laugh sounded, the way your smile would bring out the light in your eyes. and at the same time, your dimple would appear at both sides of your cheek, your right cheek's dimple is much more deeper than the other cheek's dimple. i still remember your eyelashes length is until the start of your nose's bridge.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JHb_ps-JtaM
just a fool.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zaTYbUugDYU
don't forget.

so this morning i found out that you liked her. subsequently there was tension between us and most people felt it.
i don't know how to put it, but i guess i was really bothered by it. i don't know. maybe that's the reason why you were so close to her after we went our separate ways? or maybe you liked her when you was with me. i don't know.
i just feel cheated you know, cos both of you were always talking and playing when we were together..
all my life, i've been giving my fullest trust to everyone i meet. i guess that just shows how naive i was.
but now, right now, you've given me every reason why i shouldn't trust someone soo easily.
i won't anymore anyway, i hope you're happy knowing that.
it's so difficult to trust people anymore. people i used to be closed with left, you left.
i thought previously went i decided to go on my own way, i thought you would come after me but no.
that kind off showed me where i stood with you.
what i couldn't believe was that you could text me all those long texts telling me you loved me when you loved her.
how is that fair for me? i believed you.
i truly did.
i guess i shouldn't.
right?

 

 

 

 

 

and i'm going to leave thinking if you're worth it. i hope you're happy now.

today i guess i'm going to rant about FAKE BITCHES.
yep you read it right. this is for no one, and it's just based on my observation and past experiences and i just wanted to talk about it.
nowadays, in this society, everyone is acting on how they are supposed to act. something like peer pressure i guess. like if she does something like that, i have to do it too. NO BITCH NO. do what you want, as long as it's not bad. why must you follow everyone you can? don't you have a mind of your own?

the thing is, now, you just can't figure out who your real friends are. fake bitches act like they're real, when in actual fact, they just want to know about you to break you. they want to gain everything and anything out of you, and when the time comes, they just kick you aside and spread all they know about you.

 

yesterday, i watched The Host with Yucheng at vivo!
it's so awesome!! i had gotten the book earlier before i watched the movie and i read only a few chapters!
In case you didn't know, The Host is about this unseen enemy that takes over human minds while leaving their body intact. it's just like its your own body, but you're not the one controlling it.
So anyway, there's this invading 'soul' who takes over Melanie Stryder's body, only to find that Melanie, is still in the body, so it's like 2 persons in 1 body.
Melanie fills Wanderer with thoughts of Jared and soon Wanderer begins to yearn for Jared, just like Melanie.
Wanderer and Melanie then set off to search for the man they both love.
However, in the movie, Melanie is in love with Jared and Wanderer fell in love with another guy.
it's a really unforgettable movie and book, so i hope you guys will go and watch the movie and read the book! :)

i feel so mean to be mad at you for being so colse to some girls. when you're not even mine.
then i think, maybe you're just as mad as me when i'm with my best guy friends. then i immediately feel bad.
i can't help feeling this way.. i just think that all the other girls are better than me.

i'm tired of wearing this smile. i'm so tired.
all the time i feel like giving up. i don't think i can hold on much longer.
it just feels so weird without my daddy here. i would do anything to have you here, you know that daddy?
people say that perhaps i'm a strong person, because i don't cry over the death of my dad.
i do. i do it in private places. i have to stay strong for everyone. but i really really miss you.
i hate this feeling so much.. it feels so hollow you know?
it's so sad that you'll never be able to see me grow up into the person you wanted me to.
i'm so tired.