how is it that you're able to make me feel so low?
why do you always want to fight?
at times i want to hurt you as much as how you did to me, but i know there would be nothing to gain

why love when love is full of doubt
in spite of all i know that i want to live
but why do i feel i have nothing left to give.

what do you call it when all you feel is pain?
when your loved ones look at you and all you feel is shame?
when you're tired of playing this game?
when you know your life is meaningless and you're the only one to blame?

what do you call it when the hurt is in your soul?
when you smile and laugh but you know its all a show?
when you feel like you've hit your all time low?
when nothing makes you happy and the darkness around you grows?

what do you call it when you feel so alone?
when your in your house but it don't feel like home?
when you look back in your life and every choice you made now seems wrong?

nothing can ever break me like you do now. is it even possible for me to feel broken over and over again?
all i ask for is just something simple and sweet. is it so much to ask for?

what do i do what do i do
i feel so terrible honestly
you know what? im sorry alright
im tired i dont feel well but it doesnt matter
all it matters to you is fucking you isnt it
im so sorry for doing every thing
so sorry for coming into your life and ruining it
im so fucking sorry for my existence
im so sorry for fucking up everything for you
you happy now? what else do you want from me

am i a emotional bin for you? am i there for you to vent your emotional insecurities? am i there for you to vent your anger on?
why are you doing this to me? why?
i've been through so much
is the pain that i went through not enough for you?
do you have to emotionally torture me this way?
you say you don't want to do this either but do you know that now only you can stop this from happening?
you control this do you know?
why are you not doing anything?
i am running out of energy for this
please help me over here

i actually don't know what im going to do
no matter how many times i tell you that i wasn't lying, you still wouldn't believe
well for starters, if i was lying to you would i have shown up with her by my side? i wouldn't hide that right?
i really don't know what to do anymore
im even more lost than i was
im not blaming you or anything but its like you're emotionally attacking me you know?
you're throwing your emotional securities but i don't know what to do
i've changed from last year. im more patient now but i don't know when my patience will run out
i know im strong, but i won't be able to stand it if you leave me honestly
what do i do now?

it's been long since i actually updated my blog
been busy nowadays studying
 even though o's are like, 6 months away, i cannot afford to actually wasted time playing
i wasted too much time already!
so im back to school and i've managed to make it to sec 5
it's a good thing as my dad wanted me to go to sec 5
so anyway our last camp is up soon and its going to be next thurs to saturday
we have like an interview and all these and yesterday Amalia, Faseha and me went to orchard to shop for our stuffs!
it was really fun even tho i dread going for the camp but since its our last year then lets make the best out of it

seriously don't know what's my wrong with my body
i've had 3 fevers in 2 months
i'm quite thirsty nowadays and my wounds take quite long to heal
kind of afraid of contracting some serious sickness or whatever
that would be really torturing

FIFTH HARMONY

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PqPEzJvIz1U    --> who are you
Fifth Harmony's who are you and leave my heart out of this really kinda suit my situation now


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VtpbfQib7Co    --> leave my heart out of this

i've been thinking a lot about us
this 'thing' has dragged on for far too long
maybe tomorrow i will be strong enough to make a decision
whether to carry on or let go

i'm not as strong as i seem. i try to believe i am, but no, i'm not
i'm a huge fucking wreck
i'm not good in dealing with people who leave, or change, i'm not good with that
i don't want to need you this way, i hate it
i feel so vulnerable
i wish things were the same between us
is it ever going to be?
i don't want to think about all these, i just want to forget

4th Nov 2013
i really don't know how to start the conversation with you. i want you to know how i feel, but yet at the same time i don't want the reaction i got from you like the other time, i'm scared of your reaction
i feel so raw and exposed to even talk about how i feel
it's been really driving me so crazy i keep thinking about it
should i talk to you? should i not? i don't know what to do anymore
to be honest, you're pretty much everything to me
my pillar my wall
the person who really keeps me strong and sane
i really hate how i'm always this weak when it comes to you
i feel so terribly lonely, but you seem just fine with or without me
i can't even bring myself to actually talk about all these with the girls
i miss us very much
10th Nov 2013
i'm done trying to save this 'thing' we have. tired of trying and getting all upset
i feel so dumb for even trying lol
nothing is the same, it probably won't be the same again
how long has it been that i've never seen you? i've not seen you for a month
surprised? maybe not, you might not even care anymore haha
i've tried to talk to you longer, maybe someone else better is talking to you
i really need someone to just reassure me this once that everything is going to turn out okay
i just need a hug
12th Nov 2013
perhaps i should learn to love myself first

i've got a job! :) i'll be working at Jem, in Le Blanc!
the shop sells bed linens etc etc and i'm a teeny bit excited to be working there!! however i'm pretty nervous too :x tmr will be my first day and i only have like tmr and Sunday to actually rmb how to serve customers etc
im going to have to rmb alootttt and my memory sucks
sigh sigh flipping out

MY DEAREST FASEHA

i know this is early but i would probably be too lazy to do it on the 4th hehe (jk ok)
so anyway, the 4th of November is a very special date, it's the date when my best friend and fruit (watermelon) was born :)
she's the most huggable person, in my opinion and i love to go up to her for a hug whenever i see her
she's bits and pieces of everything placed together to form a very individual and unique her
at times she is just like my mother, nagging at me to get stuffs done, at times she's like my sister, sharing the excitement over One Direction but she can also be just like my dad, very playful and teasing me over small stuffs, but most of the times it is me who does that hahahaha
i know you're going to read this because you are a stalker, Faseha :)
ever since meeting you, you've become a significantly huge part of my life, and you mean a lot to me
i didn't expect our friendship to be the same as we were in different classes, however, we set aside time for each other, and eventually our friendship became so strong that i wonder sometimes what i would do if we weren't this close
will i have someone to rely on? will i have someone that cares so much for me? will i have a cushion?
HAHA just kidding :p
i'm sure you get what i'm trying to say hehe
you are one of the most original person i've met, Amalia's first haha
you never cease to amaze me with what you can do, like walking down the stairs and suddenly falling LOL
jk but how you always talk sense into me, and make me see things in a brand new way
thank you for that :) i know we are going to remain close, same goes with Amalia, no matter where we end up, thank you for everything you've done, i love you very much! :)
HAPPY BIRTHDAY FASEHA <3 <3 <3