my morning was spent at mandai crematorium and columbarium.
today is the 21st day dad's gone. but i don't mind. i could just sit there for hours. today is the first day i get to see dad's photo on the piece of marble. i promised myself i wouldn't cry when i see it.
so afterward i went to the toilet and just cried for a long time. i miss him.

you want to know something? most of the times i feel like dying.

day by day, happiness is getting harder to achieve.

i'm tired of pretending to be fine. i really am. i just want to lock myself up and cry. but if i did that people would leave me won't they? i don't want to be alone. after all i make people feel good about themselves. but i don't want to do that anymore.

i'm so tired. drained. physically and mentally. i'm just this close to collapsing. maybe it'll be better, i'll get to see my daddy. it's bad enough that you're ignoring me. haven't i suffered enough? i just lost my dad. now i'm close to losing you as well. why can't you just be here for me? and just forget whatever small things that don't really matter?
sometimes i'm scared to sleep. when i lay on my bed, i always think of stuffs. i'm scared to think of my dad. i'm scared to dream about him. i'm scared to see his expression when he died. i'm scared. but i can't tell anyone because everything that i want to say feels so trapped inside me. i don't feel happy, not at all. why?

i can't stop thinking of how my dad died. his expression. his body color. the way he's lying down. how stiff he feels. then the pain hits. i then know that he'll never come back. i'll never get to see his smile again. his funny faces. i'll never get to hear him making up silly songs about me walking into the gate or hear his laughter. i'll never be able to have one of those father-daughter moments anymore. i'll not be able to buy or make him stuffs. never be able to go to his place during the weekends and laugh about people on shows. never be able to watch movies with him, sing with him in the car. never be able to learn the guitar cos he's not here to teach me. he's not here to teach me stuffs anymore. i'm on my own. he's not here for me anymore. at the end of the day, i just feel more vulnerable and hopeless. i just want my daddy back.

happy chinese new year!

i'm supposed to feel pain aren't i? i'm supposed to grief right? i'm supposed to feel overwhelming sadness correct?
but every day i feel numb. the same feeling when i found my dad. numb. i try to break free but i can't. i try to tell people but i just can't. why do i feel this way? i can't even cry when i think of him. all is numb. everything i do is like programmed into me. i do what people want. i smile. i laugh. i eat. i talk. i play. but eventually when the day ends, memories of my dad, mum and me come hurtling towards me. it's like the memories are playing racing. seeing which would come to me first.
i do stuffs that makes no sense. last saturday i reached out for my phone to call my dad. i had forgotten that my father died. i called, with this hope that maybe this is all a nightmare and that perhaps daddy was at home watching his shows. but no one picked up. and then i remembered that daddy died.
i feel so tired. why am i like this?

thanks to all those who came for the wake! we really apprectiate it.
yesterday we cremated my dad.