i'm tired of people telling me to stay strong. i want to, really. but even those little things, like when i see some kids walking down the street with their dad, or seeing a kid laughing with their dad, it sets me off. cos that's what my dad and i used to do. everything seems so surreal, but it is actually real. i just want daddy back. i would even tear my one direction posters or give away all my hunger games stuff, or even sell the laptop and my phone, just to have him back. please give me my daddy back
or maybe if i sleep then i wake up, it'll be just a dream

my daddy.

yesterday my dad passed away. he was so young. he shouldn't have died. i miss him so much it hurts.
today we went to the mortuary to identify my daddy. my mum, half sister and me went in. he looked the same as yesterday when i found him at home, lying on the bed. i touched his hand and it felt so stiff. i knew at that moment that daddy was gone. when we checked his phone records, it showed that he called early in the morning at 6.50, and my grandmother picked up the phone. she didn't hear my dad speak or anything, because he must have been to weak to do so. i was still sleeping at that time. if only i had waken up earlier, so i could have saved him. instead i took my own sweet time getting ready for school, while my daddy is struggling at home, alone. i should have been awake. i could have saved him. when i went to check on him, it was 3.26. now i bet every morning i will look at the time, 6.50 and regretted not waking up early, not checking on my daddy. and every 3.26, i will always remember how late it was to save my father. it hurts not being able to talk to him, laugh with him, joke with him and everything we used to do together. it hurts so damn much. i miss my daddy. i will never be able to celebrate mum, mine and his birthday anymore, never be able to celebrate father's day anymore. basically, will never be able to celebrate with him for any occasion. i would do anything it takes, anything, just to have him back. most of all, i just regretted not telling him i love him one last time. daddy if you can see this, i love you very very much. i miss you so much too. please come back, its still not too late please daddy.

i honestly thought i would have someone with me at last. someone who would care for me when there's no one. i hate having to break down cos of a simple thing, but i do so everytime.
now there's no one.

there is just so much a girl can take. i don't know why you feel so insecure. please tell me why? shouldn't all obstacles or fights make us stronger? it only made us weaker. i've been trying my best to stop fighting but you just get so worked up over little things, and during the fights you'll also bring in my past or past mistakes and use it against me. why do you do that?
"there is no love without forgiveness, and there is no forgiveness without love."
you keep saying that you forgive for certain fights that i caused, but you still manage to use my words against me when we fight again. it makes me wonder if you truly forgave me. if you did you wouldn't have said that right? but you did anyway.
everytime without fail, during our fights you would always say that i'd accuse you of not caring how i feel. but isn't it the truth? instead of talking to me nicely, you would kick up a big fuss. like throwing your temper or take out your anger on me. excuse me i'm not your anger bin. i'm not a toy. you wouldn't speak nicely and you feel upset because i said you didn't care about my feelings? isn't it true?
i feel so much like a guy in this relationship. i can't take it anymore. i can't take you always wanting to fight. i can't take your temper. i can't take it.

apologies :(

sooo i hoped i haven't lost my readers :x but there will definitely be some readers lost because of me not posting for billion years!
i'm so sorry :(
UPDATES:
so now it is 2013! ^^ happy belated new years guys :")
and i'm sec 4 now, which means STUDY STUDY AND STUDY. therefore, i won't have much time to update you guys on my shitty life and depressed love :(
sighhh.
and yes, my parents are already arranging for me to have tuitions!
haha that's all for now and i promise there'll be updates later on :)

you know the feeling after a super long day after trying to keep up with your happy facade but failing terribly cos you're a failure and you finally lock yourself up in your own room just thinking how your world just falls apart the way it is put together so easily? and the tears just come to you.
i'm sensitive and i really hate it. i don't want people to think i'm weak so i cover my sensitive issue with humor. by making fun of myself that is. i'm also easily hurt, especially by words. but i don't show it because it would make me seem weak.
i'm easily jealous and it's so damn frustrating sometimes. i really believe that i'm the easiest jealous person ever.
i hate to be accused of something i didn't do. if you try to blame me for something i didn't do, get ready to be sent to hell.
i don't share what's mine.
i just listed all my weaknesses.
soo i went through mostly everyone's blog and yes i went through yours.
i'm not going to lie i was jealous. about the present crisis thing.
you wanna know why?
1) her present has hearts on it. why the heck is there even hesrts on it lol?
2) it was humongous
3) you got her something else
all these means nothing to you but everything to a girl. before you blame me for being so insecure or jealous again, think again. just go up to a random girl and ask how would she feel if her crush or her bf gave her more than a present. go on. she would definitely give the same answer as me.
all females are insecure. i am no exeption. they are all jealous beings.